yip yip yip

over thinking a whole lot,

I am missing September 

waiting room.

I spent my day unlike most others, and hopefully the 2nd part of today wont be repeated for years and years.


first of all my nephew turned nine. I was at work most of the morning, spending my shift alone with my thoughts. a bunch of tiny little memories of this little boy i met 9 years ago, who now has a personality all his own. an entire perspective on life. out of these young mischievous eyes.

i hope the world is ready for a boy like this.

secondly, when i got closer to my shift change, i took my time refilling all the things i should have earlier in the day but forgot with all my thoughts. as i approached my final chore my mom calls me  and tells me that my dad needed to go to the hospital, and they were on their way.

immediately, another rush of tiny memories engulfed my mind, pushing out the delicate  fingers and tiny toes of a newborn baby, and exchanging them for rougher, sharper memories.

hospital stays

tired eyes 

stress and worry

I felt like i flew to the hospital, and when i finally arrived no one i knew was there. not one set of recognizable eyes. I filled out the paperwork and waited, waited and waited, blanks were filled in with messy scrawls, dates filled in; some sevens crossed and others ignored. when i finally saw my parents and sisters arrive, i was so relieved i ran outside waving the paperwork clipboard like a white flag.

after a few mins my parents were swooped into another room, and my sisters and i were left alone. we looked around quietly at the people around us, with undoubtedly same thought running though our minds-

"what is wrong with that one..... and that one, and THAT one?!?!?!?!?"

we saw babies with adult size cuts and injuries

old folks looking tired and worn from life

 teenagers with fearful eyes anticipating unplanned babies

we saw it all.

After 6 and a half hours we were discharged . my dad feeling in better spirits and my mom looking relieved.

even in messy scrawls,
crossed or uncrossed
i realized, how lucky i am to have these 7 people in my life.

parents
sisters
niece
nephew

retired

Most of the time, I mean to be out of reach. I dont text, i dont call, on purpose, i stay out of the way of common traffic. but recently i exchanged words with an familiar voice.

Immediately i regretted it, then, on second thought... i knew i was being ridiculous. if i were a book, you'd be a dozen chapters, and despite the distance between us- i wish you the best. and i wont give that a second thought.

twenty seven

As always, my Saturday morning consisted of  restless sleep (due to my fear of oversleeping on Saturdays) and a long drive to the lower valley.

the radio plays terrible music on Saturdays, i guess because no one is really up listening, so i drive in silence entertaining myself with ideas for my class. Today my BIPP class was trying to help grown men learn how to communicate better. Literally talking about feelings for 2 hours, definite cliche.

i started thinking a lot while they were doing communication exercises trying to be assertive not aggressive. i realized I'm going to be 27 in 2 weeks. when i was a kid, i imagined myself somewhere completely different. in a big city, away with some handsome husband having adventures of my own far away from El Paso


But, here i am,

I am living in a house i love. 2 jobs that keep me sane, and fund my new addiction to World Market decor,  an amazing support system of friends i admire and my family which i can even begin to describe.

and El Paso....

El Paso isn't so bad at all.



27 will be an adventure.

balance

I usually spend most of my mornings laying around in bed, reading the news from my phone. Reading through Top Stories, scanning through the weather forecast, glancing embarrassingly at the Entertainment section for bad gossip. I check my texts, i check Facebook, and Instagram. I am a slave of social networking- its disgusting. Finally after all that, i climb out of my big comfortable bed, and take a shower. this week alone i've spent most of the afternoons walking barefoot on my wood floors drinking tea and reading. lounging around with no one to answer to but Jasper.

recently I've had trouble finding a balance between work and personal life. trying to figure out where i lost my pattern, and trying to find a new one. Ive been thinking a lot about lost loves. considering what when wrong and what i can learn. i though back to high school, the feeling of just holding hands with someone. then my mind drifts to the idea of someone new. all of these things swimming in my mind.

while I'm excited for something new, which inevitably is going to happen one day. I'm also excited to simply move on. while part of me will always crave the known, the familiar, another part knows better. as much as i cared for some of the men of my past, as much as i miss their smile and their hand to hold, i also know that losing a pattern is part of life. a change of rhythm is happening and my thoughts will soon be with a new hand to hold, and a new smile to encounter. until then, i'm content reading, learning and walking barefoot on wood floors.

Inevitable

I knew it was bound to happen, at least once.

Crazy.bastard

im having an existential crisis. I am excited to see where this goes.